Life with Wanda

Know when to shut the f*#% up

“Know when to shut the fuck up” is probably the best advice Wanda ever gave me.

While most girls spend the time between their engagement and the day they say “I do” fretting over the details of their perfect day, I was otherwise consumed.   As a child of divorced parents, grandparents and great grandparents (oh and did I mention that most of my uncles are on their 2nd marriages? but I digress…), I instead spent that time trying not to freak out.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved my fiancé.  But in the face of hard evidence of multiple marriages that were also based on love, but didn’t work…  it was hard not to freak out as the calendar counted down to the day where I was supposed to be completely “sure” and “ready”.

So in an effort to quell my fears, I instead tried to look for understanding.  Maybe there was some magic formula or piece of advice that would make the difference in my situation.  Maybe those who were already married or even divorced could offer me, the newbie, a bit of advice that could prevent or ward-off failure.  So in the months leading up to my wedding, I asked everyone…  and I mean everyone…  for his or her advice.  I asked strangers seated next to me on airplanes, family, friends, my dentist…  everyone.  I wanted to know what advice would they give to a young couple just starting out.  (I wish I had the forethought to blog some of the advice I received as it would have made an interesting read, but hind sight is always 20/20.)

The results of my unscientific survey were interesting.  Some said standard lines like “never go to bed angry”.  While others offered more off beat advice like “be sure to take separate vacations”.  But the advice that stuck with me the most was from Wanda.  Hers was simple and complex all at the same time…  “know when to shut the fuck up”.

Hmmm…  I have to admit that I didn’t immediately understand what that meant.  I was a bit thrown by the word “know”.  KNOW when to…  How does one actually know?  What I did know was that she wasn’t asking me to play the little woman because that’s out of character for both of us.  So finally I had to ask…  what did she mean?  ”Know when enough is enough…  know when the health of your relationship is more important than winning a silly argument…  know when to choose your battles and when its okay to acquiesce and let him win…  but most importantly, KNOW when to simply say nothing.”

Huh…  okayyyy…  so essentially what I realized was that knowing was not going to be the hard part.  The hardest part was going to be taking this advice beyond theory and actually putting it into practice.  Now I just needed to find the right opportunity to test my new advice…  little did I know, that opportunity was just around the corner.

One night he and I were having dinner with Wanda and the professor, when we started going back and forth about something.  (To be honest, I don’t remember the details of the event.  Clearly it wasn’t anything of any consequence.)  But what I do remember was Wanda’s direction to me.  Just as I was about to open my mouth to say something again, she kicked me under the table.  And as I turned to her, she discretely tapped her lips with her finger, motioning me to remain silent.  In that moment I felt like the baby cub learning the ways of the wild from her mother cub…  and I obediently followed her instructions and let it drop.  And just like that, the argument was not only over but my first attempt at using her advice was successful.

This is usually the point in a story where the author tells you how their life has been changed or transformed in some way.  I unfortunately will not do that here.  What I will say is that, while I have proved to myself time and time again that this advice is sound and true, I don’t use it as often as I should. But I’m working on it.

Yes, I admit it…  I’m flawed…  don’t judge me…  LMAO! I am still a “work-in-progress”!

July 31, 2009 - Posted by The daughter | advice, family, Mothers and Daughters | advice, family, male/female relationships, motherly love, relationships